Hi... I'm Mike Rowe, and It's time for your favorite show... "SHOOT-TO-KILL."
Brought to you by those friendly folks at "Smith & Wesson," where guns... are a family tradition! (Loud applause is heard)
Before we get started, let's go over the rules of SHOOT-TO-KILL. Our contestants are chosen from the online forms sent in on the SHOOT-TO-KILL website. Our contest takes place in one of the deserted cities that the contestant selects.
The goal? Fight your way to one of the exit pointes in the city without being eliminated. If you're successful, you'll win one million, tax-free, dollars.
And just who will be trying to eliminate the contestant? Our shooter will be selected at random from our own SHOOT-TO-KILL stable of professionals.
Now, you might ask yourself, why would anyone want to risk their life in our contest? Let's go to our live-on-screen correspondent; Paris Hilton-for your answer.
(Television screen splits in two, with Mike Rowe, in the main studio on the left, and Paris Hilton, standing at the starting line, holding a microphone, on the right. Loud cheers are heard as Paris Hilton appears on-screen)
Mike Rowe: "Hi Paris, could you explain some of the reasons why people choose to become contestants on SHOOT-TO-KILL?"
Paris Hilton: "Sure, Mike. Many of our contestants simply want the money. A million tax-free dollars is a real lure. Some, have severe health issues, and will be checking-out soon, anyway. So, they may as well go for the money, to leave to their family, or others. If they lose... well, that might be an easier alternative to their situation, if you take my meaning."
Mike Rowe: "Thanks Paris. We'll be checking back with you later, as you follow tonight's contestant."
Mike Rowe: "Now it's time to introduce tonight's special contestant: star of the stage and screen, Sean Penn."
(The television screen splits in two, with Mike Rowe on the right, and Sean Penn, standing near the starting line, on the left)
Mike Rowe (to the audience): "Let's hear it for Sean Penn." (Loud boos are heard)
Mike Rowe: "So, tell us Sean, what brings you, a veteran Hollywood actor, to SHOOT-TO-KILL? I'd think that you were a millionaire many times over. Why take on this challenge?"
Sean Penn: "Well Mike, to be honest, I haven't been offered a movie in quite a few years. Times are getting hard. I had to sell my Prius the other day, so I could afford to eat. Conan O'Brien laughed heartily as he drove it away. (Sean Penn turns visibly red) I HATE Conan O'Brien!"
Mike Rowe (quickly, changing the subject): "Well Sean, that's sad news, but we're all rooting for you, tonight!" (Loud booing is heard from the audience)
Mike Rowe: "Now it's time to introduce tonight's shooter. Since tonight's contestant was a famous celebrity, our producer decided to bring in a celebrity shooter. Please welcome, the former vice-president of the United States, Dick Cheney!" (Loud applause heard)
Mike Rowe: "Welcome to SHOOT-TO-KILL, Mr. Cheney."
Dick Cheney: "Thank you, Mike. You can call me, Dick."
Mike Rowe (under his breath, "I often, do"): "So, tell me Dick, as an older man, do you think you've got what it takes to bring down tonight's contestant, Sean Penn? I assume you'll be using your trusty shotgun."
Dick Cheney: "I brought down than damn, annoying lawyer, Harry Whittington, didn't I? Wait a minute... that was an accident, Mike. (Cheney flashes a huge grin, and the audience erupts in laughter)"
Mike Rowe (smiling): "Okay Dick, let's start our contest."
Sean Penn toes the starting-line, Dick Cheney opts to take a position near the starting line.
(Television screen splits in two, Mike Rowe, on the left, and Paris Hilton, standing at the starting line, holding a microphone, on the right.)
Mike Rowe: "Paris, I notice the Dick Cheney has chosen the first spot, near to the starting line. We've never had any shooter do this, before. If Penn can get past him, it'll be smooth-sailing, and an easy million for Sean Penn."
Paris Hilton: "Yeah Mike, it's an interesting strategy. Let's see how it plays out. You know, we did a lot of risky things on my hit show, The Simple Life. One time, we..." Mike Rowe (quickly, cuts Hilton off): "Thank you, Paris. Remember, you cannot mention your old show here. It's in the contract, that you signed. But let's get our show started..."
Paris Hilton produces a starting pistol, fires it into the air, and yells, "You're off!"
Sean Penn takes off in a fairly fast-sprint. Thinking to himself, All I've got to do is get by old man Cheney, and I'll be home-free..." Dick Cheney, poised and ready, fires one shot. It hits Penn in the stomach, and brings him down, flat on the ground. Paris Hilton runs up to Penn, as Cheney begins his short walk towards him. Penn is seen writhing on the ground.
Paris Hilton (holding her microphone near Sean Penn's mouth) "Sean... do you have anything to say? Any last words, before Cheney finishes his job?"
Sean Penn: "Yes, I do. Tell Madonna that I did this for her. It was always you... Madonna!"
A loud, single-shot rings out. Mike Rowe appears on a split screen: Rowe on the left, Dick Cheney on the right.
Mike Rowe: "Congratulations, Dick! You are tonight's winner. (Loud applause) Do you have any parting words for our audience?"
Dick Cheney: "Yes, I do. NEVER underestimate a Republican with a gun!"
